I think Nia Kyame Avery

Became Marley Avery to let go of a harsh past. I was so busy pleasing others, I let myself go, and literally lost myself. I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I didn't know Nia anymore, I had changed her around so much she had begun to deteriorate.

It wasn't until last year that I realized I had to grab a hold of myself and get shit right. I am working on becoming a better person and a stronger friend. Hopefully in the long run all of this will pay off and I will find real love. I only do this because in the back of my head I am patiently waiting for me to better myself so I can be with "Mr. Right" and be his "Mrs. Right".

I always looked at life like, if you don't like something change it. Eff it! It's your life, if shit isn't going the way you want then your obviously doing something wrong.

I really just want to be perfect. I have come to realize that no one is though. And no matter how hard you try to be perfect, it will never be reached.

So I will settle with being ME. Whoever that may be now.

Like the great Juno said,

"I don't know what kind of girl I am"

I suppose that is what all the bullshit is for ... for you to 'find' yourself and develop into a beautiful and wonderful person ... for you to eventually be happy.

I hope the name change was worth it ...

So I worked this hard to stay the same?

All of this shit is supposed to be building up to the climax. We hurt and we go through all of the drama and headache for a bigger and brighter future. I do it for the Flashing Lights. I do it because I'm sick of the shit that I have to put up with now. Everyone wants an escape, everyone wants that freedom that we can only give ourselves. That is what all this hard work is for. But damn, everything doesn't end up in fairy tales and happiness. Shit gets real. We often work our asses off for something that doesn't leaves us satisfied. I just don't want to end up working and working and not being able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I want improvement of self. When I move to Manhattan and shit shit down in my ridiculous loft, I want my attitude to be 1,000 times better than it is now.

I don't work this hard to stay the same.


I work this hard to get better.

LATE REGISTRATI0N :: AND I HEARD EM SAY ...

N0THINGS EVER PR0MISED T0M0RR0W T0DAY


AND IM HAPPIER THAN IVE EVER BEEN
BUT I CANT HELP BUT W0NDERING
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED T0 Y0U?
WHERE DID Y0U FUCK UP AT AND WHY DIDNT I HELP Y0U?
WHY DIDNT I PULL Y0U BACK WHEN I SAW Y0U SLIPPIN
Y0U WERE FALLIN RIGHT IN FR0NT 0F MY EYES
AND I LET Y0U G0
I TH0UGHT IT WAS C00L
EVERYTHING Y0U DID WAS G0LDEN ANYWAYS
Y0U C0ULDVE WENT T0 THE EDGE 0F THE EARTH
AND I W0ULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT BY Y0UR SIDE
I SH0ULD HAVE BEEN STR0NGER
IF N0T F0R ME THAN F0R Y0U

N0W I FEEL LIKE Y0U NEEDED ME BUT I WASNT STR0NG EN0UGH. I SH0ULD HAVE BEEN T0UGHER, EVERYTHING W0ULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. I DIDNT HAVE T0 LET THINGS BE THE WAY THEY ARE.

N0W Y0UR G0NE F0R A VERY L0NG TIME
AND ALL I CAN THINK 0F IS THE LAST C0NVERSATI0N WE HAD
I TALKED T0 Y0U LIKE Y0U WERE SHIT
I TALKED T0 Y0U LIKE Y0U MEANT N0THING
0NLY T0 SAVE MYSELF
0NLY THINKING AB0UT MYSELF AND H0W I FELT
N0T THINKING AB0UT ALL THE SHIT Y0U WERE DEALING WITH.
I WAS TELLING Y0U SHIT THAT Y0U SH0ULD HAVE BEEN HEARD
THE DAY BEF0RE Y0U LEFT
AND THEN WHEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS BEING A DICK
IT WAS T00 LATE
AND I PUSHED Y0U T0 THE BACK AGAIN
BECUASE F0R S0ME REAS0N
I FEEL LIKE Y0UR JUST N0T IMP0RTANT EN0UGH
BUT PLEASE D0NT BLAME ME F0R FEELING THIS WAY
0UR THICK PAST CAUSED THESE EM0TI0NS

THIS IS G0ING T0 BE HEAVY 0N MY HEART F0R A L0NG TIME

IM S0 S0RRY

Part Trois ...

The next day he woke to the smell of bacon and scrambled eggs. His mother had awakened early and began cooking. As he got out of the bed the dog ran in his room barking and giddy as usual. The sun had brightened their house and for once everything seemed right. His father had already left for work and from the looks of it he had missed the huge breakfast his mother was preparing. She smiled when she saw him confused, standing in the kitchen door. “I figured you would be hungry, and you never eat breakfast, you know they say it’s the most important meal of the day”, his mother nervously chattered. He didn’t question her, so as not to spoil the moment. He walked to the seat where she had made a plate and sat down. The food was still hot and the glass to his right was full with orange juice. He was so confused and puzzled he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore, he had to know what was going on with his mother. “What is this?” He didn’t mean to come off as rude, but he didn’t know what to think. One moment his mother was depressed and pitiful dragging herself around the house; the next she was a transformed Martha Stewart full of life and energy. She pulled biscuits out of the oven, placed them on the counter and walked over to him. She sat down and wiped her forehead. She glazed at him. She was thinking deeply. She explained that they would be moving in with her sister and she would begin looking for a job. When his father finally came home from his “vacation” he had told his wife that he would be leaving her, and that she had to leave by the end of the week. She informed him that his father would leave until they got out and didn’t want to have anything to do with them. “It’s just you and me now” she bluntly stated. She didn’t sound shock, or upset. The only worry on her face was ‘what’s next’. He chewed his bacon and thought about what this meant. No more relentless long nights of dealing with his father. No more watching his mother disintegrate into nothing. This did mean leaving the comforts of his home. The only place he ever lived, this was where he was raised. This meant living with his Aunt Marilyn, a kind and beautiful woman. She did live in the projects though and her house was the roasting pot for the entire family. Aunts and cousins flocked in and out of the house because of how close everyone was. When his mother married his father many women in the family stopped speaking to her out of envy. They were all envious to the comfortable lifestyle his father laid out for his mother while their husbands stayed unemployed and working odd end jobs. Aunt Marilyn stayed close to his mother and was always there for her whenever it was needed. Moving into Aunt Marilyn’s house would bring along drama and conflict he was certain, but he’d rather be surrounded by family than cut off by an uninterested father. He finished his food and helped his mother pack up all of her scattered things from around the house. He hadn’t much to bring, clothes and shoes and posters of his favorite skaters and rappers. She planned on leaving the next afternoon, after brunch she said. He lay in his bed looking at the ceiling thoughts cascading through his brain. He couldn’t get his face out of her head, or her voice. He grabbed his board and went out. His mother was tiding up the living room and drinking. She smiled at him and reminded him that they had a long day ahead of them tomorrow. As he skated down the street letting he let himself escape in the breeze. She was already sitting there when he arrived anxiously. As he walked up she stood. “I have something to show you” was all she said. He followed her; she grabbed his hand and tugged as if to inform him he was moving too slow. He hadn’t known the girl for long but he dreaded telling her that within day he would be leaving to the other side of town and probably wouldn’t be seeing her anytime soon. They walked for hours it felt, and all he wanted to do was sit down and talk to her. She stopped dead in her tracks. In front of them was a small spring with a beat down wooden bridge crossing it and a bench off to the side. The sun was setting and the scene was beautiful. He was glad that she had brought him there, but hated the fact that this might be his last time ever there. Her eyes looked tired but her smile was still bright. After a few moments of silence, he broke them with the heavy words of his current situation. She showed little expression, but he could feel her intense energy. She had been used to being left and abandoned, he could tell by the look in her eyes. He immediately pulled out his cell phone and blatantly told her that he needed her number. She rolled her eyes as if to blow him off but she knew he was serious and wouldn’t give up. She looked flustered and told him that he didn’t need it because he would never use it. As the words rolled off her tongue she knew they weren’t true but she felt open and her guard was definitely down. She recited her number to him, and he repeated it back to make sure that they were correct. He flashed her smile and once again she melted. They talked for a couple hours. The moon’s reflection was clear in the night water and the sounds of insects and running water was calming. With him moving to the other side of town, their friendship would be tested. Neither one of them realized that soon they would be all each other had and that their friendship was just beginning.

MARLEY IS

WIDE


0PEN


AND



READY


F0R



FATE



T0



CAUSE




S0METHING



GREAT




T0




HAPPEN


!


BUT YA NEVER KN0W ...



UNTIL THEN I'LL C0NTINUE T0 MARVEL AT H0W W0NDERFUL IT TURNED 0UT S0 FAR =]

[SIGH]

...Wale spoke to my heart

in one single song


he spoke to my heart





L0VE IS A STRANGE THING

BUT IT FEELS S0 G00D =]

0nce Apon a Time

There was a super dope ninja, in a super wack situation. He loved a girl so much but she treated him so wrong. The boy loved the girl and would have done anything for her, but she used and abused him. A friend of the girl hated the way she treated him, and refused to let it continue. The more she got to know the boy, her feelings began to grow. She began to confide in the boy and found a genuine friend in him. One day she told the boy how she felt about the girl treating him the way she did. She told him he deserved better because he was a wonderful person. In time the boy realized that the girl he was with was no good for him. He began to see that the girl was not worth it and finally let her go. In the same sense, the friend realized that the girl was not good company to keep and she was not a good friend either. The friend let her go as well. Fate has a strange way of making things happen.

Im not sure why we have grown to feel this way about each other. And im not sure how it happened. All i know is that i feel blessed to be your friend. Unfortunately i dont know what fate has in store for us next. But i know my feelings are strong, and the scary thing is that they grow each and every day. My heart smiles when i think of how wonderful it feels to love you the way i do.

ITS S0 C00L WHEN

Your friends ditch you to get high. Especially when then plan was that when you get out of your dreaded A.S.A.P class yall are gonna chill and smoke. I think what hurts the most is that I needed to be with them. The last couple of days have been like hell for me. I find sanity in them and they are currently driving me crazy. The fact that they smoke everyday is starting to be really unattractive. Im not judging them at all, hell i was doing the same shit a month ago. Now i just find it unnecessary and a waste. Especially when all of us know that were fucking up and we need to get our shit together and getting blazed four times a day is not gonna help it.

I dont even want to chill with them now. I think Im just gonna cop a blunt and smoke on my own. I do need the time to think. That shit really pisses me off. I dont know if Im more angry or hurt.

This is the kind of shit that makes me get in that "I dont give a fuck" mindset. So im sitting here listening to The Love Below album and chilling. I dont even have the urge to smoke. But i was being bugged all day to "skip" my A.S.A.P class and get high. I didnt even want to smoke, and I damn sure wasnt going to skip my class. Now im out of class and I need that subtle escape so I want to get lifted and I cant because these high fuckers ran off to Chili's knowing that I would be home by 9 and would want to go.

Im in another blah mood

MY C00LNESS

Is not even on the



level of your



D0PENESS


But your



D0PENESS


is inevitable



and i love you regardless


So please let me love you



*MarleyMarl*

Part Deux...

He walked in the house at 1130 that night, which was very unlike himself. His North Face jacket reeked of weed and the out doors. His mother was up sitting in the kitchen. This was a sure sign that his “hardworking” father had not made it home yet and his mother was patiently waiting. She sat in the dark and the subtle moon light came in through the kitchen windows. She had a glass half full of Jack Daniels in her hand and a cigarette in the other. She was thinking, and from the looks of it when she began the glass was definitely full. She called him in the kitchen; he walked slowly with his head down ready to deal with his tired mothers yelling. She pointed for him to have a seat as she took a deep sigh. She peered out the window for a while, and calmly said, “Your lucky your fathers not in yet.” He began to defend his lateness and she gently put her hand up to silence him. She broke the silence, “But he’s not in is he? He never is.” Her words lingered in the silence and he stared at her, he looked in her deep eyes and saw his mother for what she really was. A delicate, scared and lonely woman trying her hardest to stay strong. That night him and his mother stayed up all night discussing their family, what went wrong and what will never be right again. He learned a lot that night. He learned of his father’s affairs and of his mothers problem drinking that was soon to become an addiction. From that night on, he begun to despise his father. As he watched his mother sink into an overwhelming depression; he hated his father for destroying a beautiful and good woman. It angered him that his father walked over them like they were nothing.

For the next week or so he wouldn’t speak to his father, who ignited many arguments and fits of rage; but it didn’t bother him, he wanted to make his father as angry as he had made him. His father hadn’t come home in three nights; his mother grew worried and weary. She had stopped cleaning and moped around as if she hadn’t anything to live for. It was a Wednesday night. He had watched his mother walk around with a glass in her hand for three days and was getting frustrated. He threw his jacket on, grabbed his board and started to walk out of the house. He looked back at her; she was starring at herself in the living room mirror, looking out of it. She began to dance around to The Temptations record she had been playing loudly. He felt bad leaving her alone, but he couldn’t deal with it and needed to bounce. As he skated toward the park, he hoped to see the girl again, even if it was for a quick second. He needed to grab hold of some kind of normalcy and sanity from being cooped up in the house all week. He sat on the empty bench and lit a cigarette that he had stolen from his mothers’ half empty pack. In the last month he had many firsts, and it felt as if his life had become a whirlwind. Demanding the immediate sacrifice of all he had ever had. He had smoked weed, disobeyed house rules, and was currently enjoying a cigarette. As he sat on the bench he allowed the breeze and the sunlight to take him away. If only for a few minutes he would leave his current state of mind and allow himself to get caught up in nature’s rapture. As he began to think of his mother, he saw the young girl walking up the path to the park. Her smile wide, showing that she was happy to see him. He thought harder about his mother, but he didn’t take his gaze off of the girl. He imagined that one day, his mothers’ smile was as bright as the girls, he wondered why his mother wasn’t as free spirited as the girl. Allowing life to take her where ever it saw fit. She plopped down on the bench closely beside him. She released a sigh of relief as if to say ‘Thank God’. They sat in silence for a few minutes. She began quickly talking about the tricky weather and random ideas that popped in her head. She had begun to roll up, and he noticed the insecure rambling once again. “You don’t have to ramble,” he said calmly, “I notice you only do it when you’re nervous, and you have absolutely no reason to be nervous around me.” She thought of a million comebacks but felt they were all unnecessary. She smiled and quieted down. As she continued to roll he decided to inform her that his dad hadn’t been home in three days. “Do you think he’s screwing around on your mom.” It was a funny suggestion, seeing that it was true, but it was blunt and to the point. He didn’t get upset, he was actually glad she just came out and said it instead of sugar coasting it or waiting for him to say it. All he said was “Yeah.” They left it at that and decided to sit there in silence and smoke. She tilted her head back and tears began to stream down her face. She quickly brushed them off and flashed an insecure smile. He was confused, a hug would be too intimate, but he couldn’t sit there as his only friend shed tears. She didn’t give him time to reply. She embraced him. They hugged for no reason in particular, it was just needed. She had heavy burdens she carried. He didn’t quite know about them yet, but he could feel them as if they were his own. They laughed at the silliness of their out of the blue embrace but inside they quietly thanked each other, for being the stability that each one needed.

A SH0RT ST0RY. S0 FAR ITS UNTITLED. AND INC0MPLETE. BUT I LIKE IT WHERE IT IS. L0L

It begun in the summer, when he met her of course. She was in the book store. He had passed it plenty of times and often thought about stopping in but it wasn’t quite his thing. She caught his eye, and he smiled. Quickly fixing his smirk to not look so interested but he realized that he had already presented all he was feeling in the expressions on his face. He decided not to enter the bookstore that day. He decided to nonchalantly pass her way but her smile was implanted in his memory and wasn’t going any where.

He went home that day. Walked by his mother in the kitchen and his father sitting in the living room pretending to work on papers brought back from his office. He smiled at the new puppy his mother brought as it chew on his fathers bedroom slippers in the corner. His house looked like a home, scented candles graced the house with a warm vanilla smell and little league pictures of him hang delicately on the wall. He climbed the steps exhausted. He had an uneventful day but for some reason whenever he entered his house, or even walked down his street, his heart would sink and he would dread arriving at his destination. His home was small and his mother enjoyed cleaning the house and preparing dinner for when his father came home. The home he once knew was slowly falling apart. His father would not come home some nights and his mother began fixing drinks in the middle of the day as she sat out on the patio. There was an awkward silence that had fell across his home. No one questioned the current situation and it was left alone swept under the carpet. The image was still good, and in the end, that’s all they cared about. None of the neighbors saw his mother crying as she cleaned the downstairs bathroom or heard his fathers screams, antics and smart remarks left to destroy a young son and a lonely wife. In his room he thought about her. Her face was still fresh in his head. As the hot sun peered through his window he thought of what he would do next time he saw her. If he did ever see her again.

The next two weeks passed him slowly, like the rest of his time spent in that house would. He would escape for a few hours a day as he road his board on the streets of his neighborhood. People would wave and speak; he would return the favor only to ride off thanking God that he had his board and didn’t have to stand around and discuss meaningless topics with his shallow neighbors. He decided to skate to the park and chill out on the benches until the sun went down. And there she was. He couldn’t believe it. As he hopped off his board and began to approach her, he began to smile again. A smile that hadnt resided on his face in a long time. He straightened up, catching himself off guard he put his defenses back up and walked slowly to the girl anticipating what would happen. He startled her, and she begun to giggle, then laughing louder and louder she let her wails of excitement out as if the amusement was unbearable. This confused him, he wondered why this strange girl found this so hilarious. He hadnt done much, he never did. He couldn’t understand what could be so funny about him simply startling her. She cleared her throat up and apologized for laughing so hard. So she wasn’t insane. She might have been crazy he thought, but atleast she wasn’t completely insane. She introduced herself and placed her hand out to be shook. Her manners took him by surprised, he wasn’t use to the politeness and respect she was showing him. He took her hand and introduced himself, she shook it firmly, looking deeply in his eyes the entire time. They made small talk, but he soaked it all in. She spoke intensely, her feelings put in every word she said. They had a lot in common, but he let her talk more than him, hopefully showing her that he was good at listening since he wanted to make a strong first impression. She began talking about her parents and how they were pressuring her to become a lawyer or a doctor but she refused to conform and believed that she could do whatever she wanted, even if doing what she wanted was simply doing nothing. He wanted to bond with her by telling her he knew exactly how she felt but he kept his mouth shut and continued to listen. Her emotional words lay heavy on him and he began to drift off looking into the setting sun. He began to realize that soon he would have to return to his home that he dreaded so much. It would be dinner time soon and he needed to get back to avoid hearing his miserable fathers lecture on the importance of a man being on time. She caught his gaze and stared at him as he looked off. She felt the heaviness on his heart and wanted to break the surface of this quiet and humble boy. She caught his attention and he smiled and looked past her, avoiding eye contact with her. Her smile widened and she reached in her bright orange jacket pocket and pulled out a dutch. She didn’t say anything. She pulled out a bag of weed and started rolling a blunt right in front of him without even saying a word. He didn’t want to panic, but he had to be home, and he had never smoked before and feared that his coughs would tickle her and cause her to laugh uncontrollably once again. But she continued talking; her goal, to not make him nervous or scare him away. He figured it would be a good idea to leave at this point. She obviously wanted him to smoke with her but he had to get home, and deal with the emptiness that dwelled there. She cold see the gears in his mind turning and smiled a genuine smile, as if to say ‘I know exactly how you feel’. He picked up on her warmth and managed to say “ I don’t smoke and I need to be getting back to the crib”. She grabbed his hand, aggressively but intensely and said back, “You do smoke, you just don’t know it yet, and you don’t HAVE to go home now, you just want to”. She then begun to ramble about scaring him away and not having anyone to hang with being new to the area. He realized that her rambling was out of nervousness and begun to laugh. He laughed like she had ony a few minutes ago. He thought about getting high, and not getting home on time, and he laughed even harder. He felt the harder he laughed the more he was letting out. He was getting out all of the emotions he was currently feeling. He laughed out his stress, his anger, his displacement and his lack of hope. She saw him relieving himself and she grabbed his hand and led him off the bench. They walked alongside the sunset, instead of walking into it. The smoked her blunt and laughed at random small talk. They talked loudly without any regards to who was around or who could hear. He hadn't thought about his curfew or his parents. It was dark now, and they continued to walk and had rolled more weed. They smoked more and now spoke on a more serious level almost as if they were trying to crack into each other. Quickly shooting out questions to see if the other was as amazing as they thought. The moon began to get comfortable in the night sky and they walked back to the park knowing that soon they would both be forced to deal with something that was tougher than they carried it. He didn’t want to forget her smile. He stared into her face once more before walking off. No numbers were exchanged, only names and dreams. The last few minutes they spent together weren't taken for granted but they were solemn. Both of them trying their hardest to swallow the emotions they felt. He walked off into the direction of his home. Preparing himself for what was guaranteed to happen. The night would be long, but the reason was worth it. For the first time in forever he had felt a freedom that would soon become his addiction.

CHR0N0MENTR0PH0BIA

Is the fear of time...

The only fear of time I have

Is running out.

What if...all that is meant to be accomplished

Is not accomplished

Then what

What if I run out of time

What if time passes me by

And I am left alone without any

Order

Rhyme

Or reason

To what needs to be done.





Time wont wait for me




So time cannot be wasted


*MarleyMarl*

ITS ALM0ST AS IF

3 Stacks is talking to me with this IDLEWILD S0UNDTRACK and the L0VE BEL0W ALBUM.


The sounds soothe me and force me to reach deep down inside myself



And pull something deep out



Pull something out that I didnt know was there.


I like the way it makes me feel.




It makes me feel real.

BABY TAKE 0FF

Your cool...



I want to get to know you.


I want to get to know you



For who you are


And for more than what you appear to be.



Baby take off your cool



I want to get to know you


I want you




<3
MarleyMarl

FRIENDSHIP

is my sanity. It's what wakes me up in the morning, and what gets me through a tough ass day. My friends are my family, and though its sad, they are all that I have. I have learned over the last couple of years how important the role of friendship is in my life. I turn to them for advice, and I put all of my heart into my relationships with them. Unlike silly bitches who overdose on loving a dude that couldnt care less. I find it more important to have good friends around who love you the same.

All of my friends are different. And they all teach me something a little different. They leave an everlasting mark on my life and often make me feel that life is worth living. They inspire me to be a better person, and to make something of myself.

So here is a rundown of my "crew". My ninjas that I love, and would do anything for.

KIRSTYNE...

is her own person. She's logical and uses her head instead of her heart in most situations. She is the exact opposite of me. She stays to herself and takes time out to think shit through. Although her and I differ in more than one way, I find us alike in many as well. She is my Bestie, she's the first one I call when something happens, or even when nothing happens. She knows me more than anyone around and I respect her advice, because it comes from her heart.

Kirstyne and I have known each other since kindergarten. We grew up in school together and many times we were inseperatable. Unfortunately a few years back Kirstyne and I broke up lol. I was blinded by love and thought i didnt need her, but realized the very hard way that friendship is not circumstantial and not to be taken for granted. Now that we have reconciled I find it hard to imagine her not in my life.


Then there is J0SE....

Jose and I havent known each other forever and technically we are just getting really cool. But i find safety and sanity in my friendship with Jose and I can only hope it grows and becomes even stronger. We have been through some shit in our short relationship and I feel as if trials and tribulations occur in any relationship only to make them stronger or prove that they are not meant to be. When you walk out of hard times with your friends by your side still it proves that the relationship is something that is meant to be. Jose and I talk almost everyday. We have no restrictions or limits, we laugh we joke we confess and we vent. We have alot in common, we think the same pointless shit is hilarious and we watch documentaeries about racism just so we can get a kick out of hating white people for an hour or so.
I dont take our friendship for granted, and honestly I want use to be friends forever. He is so real and so down to earth, I know for a fact I will never come across another Jose, and for as long as I have him in my life, Im going to be as good of a friend to him that he is to me.

My heart and my soul, my Santo...

Born Denzel Adams, Santo has graced the earth with dopeness and my life will never be the same. Santo is the shit. I dont know any other way to put it. His personality is awesome, his looks flawless, and his swag on another level. I see so much of myself in him it is ridiculous. He truly is a good person. I often find myself invisioning my future with him in it. Us in Manhattan living the good life then moving to New Orleans and participating in the strong and influential culture that lives there, only to settle in the South of France where we will live the rest of our exciting and successful lives. See!! Santo has me open, lol simple as that. His dopeness, his charisma, and his strong sense of character is soooo profound. He has definitely left a mark in my life. And unlike many males that are currently a part of my life, I see him as a true and honest friend. One that will hopefully be around for a very long time. I love Santo, as quiet as it is kept. The only thing I question myself about my relationship is the type of love that I have for him. I love him as a friend for sure, but do I love him more!?!? He's a part of my daily life, my routine, my everything. I dont know what the future holds for our relationship but I can only hope that it is as strong as I hope it to be. And i can only pray that I leave the same kind of mark on him, that he has left on me =]



These three people rock my world.


I think about them daily.


And if I could spend the rest of my life with them,


I would do it without a doubt in my mind


I love you

**MarleyMarl**

IMAGINE THAT...

IM C0NTENT WITH THE FACT THAT ITS N0T Y0U.......

IM C0NTENT WITH THE FACT THAT IT CANT BE Y0U.......

BUT I CANT ST0P THINKING.....

WHAT IF IT IS Y0U.....

SIMPLY Y0U....

RIGHT IN FR0NT 0F MY EYES, AND I HAD N0 IDEA.

UNF0RTUNATELY L0VE......I CANT GET MY H0PES UP.....I HAVE A HABIT 0F JINXING MYSELF


AND THERES S000 MUCH IN BETWEEN US....

AND 0N T0P 0F THAT, I D0NT DESERVE Y0U....

ANYTHING IS P0SSIBLE TH0UGH
AND IN THIS
I FIND H0PE =D

**ALWAYS AND F0REVER**
MARLEY MARL

WELL SEYM0UR......... BACK T0 THE LAB....

WELL SEYM0UR.....BACK T0 THE LAB F0R US...

AND EVERY TIME I TRY
I TRY T0 HARD
AND WHENEVER I D0NT
IT FEELS LIKE
A L0VE L0ST
MAYBE I PUT T00 MUCH TH0UGHT
0R MAYBE N0T EN0UGH
AT ALL
RUNNING AR0UND IN CIRCLES
HAS MY MIND 0N 0VERDRIVE
BUT ITS LIKE IM STUCK
IN 0NE SP0T
AND I CANT GET 0UTSIDE
0F MYSELF
AND
MY MIND
AND ALL THE SHIT IN BETWEEN
IN THE END
I 0NLY WANT T0 BE THE QUEEN
THAT I KN0W
THAT I AM
BUT IM FEELIN LIKE IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN
AND ITS JUST
A DEAD END
I C0ULD GIVE IT AN0THER SH0T
L0VE THAT IS
BUT WHAT IF WHEN I D0
I PUT T00 MUCH IN
AND END UP IN THE SAME PREDICAMENT THAT I WAS IN
TRAPPED AND AL0NE
WITH MY HEART 0UT IN THE C0LD
"IT C0ULD BE DIFFERENT"
"THIS TIME C0ULD BE BETTER"
BUT ITS LIKE IM
CURSED WITH THE BLUES
AND THE DARK CL0UDS W0NT LET UP
S0 I TAKE IT SL0W...SL0W....SL0WER
ANY M0RE SL0WER AND MY H0PES F0R L0VE WILL BE
0VER
BUT IVE REALIZED
L0VE IS S0METHING THAT I JUST CANT D0
WITH0UT
DESPITE THE D0UBT
AND THE SEC0ND GUESSING
IT C0ULD BE BETTER
IF I LET IT
IF I LET IT...

F0R N0W ITS BACK T0 THE LAB
BACK T0 MY B0ARD
BACK T0 MY WRITING
BACK T0 MY THINKING
BUT N0 MATTER H0W FAR I SKATE 0N MY B0ARD...I NEVER GET AWAY
N0 MATTER H0W MANY PAGES I WRITE...I WILL NEVER BE C0MPLETE
N0 MATTER H0W HARD I THINK...TH0UGHTS NEVER BEC0ME REALITY

BUT I GUESS THATS THE FUN PART 0F LIFE
BECAUSE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE
I'LL BE SKATING, NEVER WITH A FINAL DESTINATI0N, THERE IS ALWAYS FURTHER T0 G0...
AND N0 MATTER H0W MUCH I WRITE, THE ST0RY IS NEVER 0VER, AND THE ST0RY BEC0MES WHATEVER I MAKE IT
AND AS L0NG AS I HAVE A MIND T0 THINK, MY TH0UGHTS ARE INEVITABLY ENDLESS

Y0U CAN ALWAYS L00K BACK AND SAY "WHAT IF"
0R "WHY N0T"
BUT T0 EVEN BE AT THE PLACE Y0U ARE, IS A J0URNEY IN ITSELF
A J0URNEY 0NE CAN BE THANKFUL F0R.

L0VE KN0WS N0 B0UNDARIES

S0 I THINK IM IN L0VE
WELL I D0NT KN0W H0NESTLY
BUT I KN0W I L0VE THIS PERS0N
AL0T
ITS JUST S0METHING AB0UT THEM THAT
GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES
AND MAKES ME NERV0US
AND I THINK AB0UT THEM 24/7
AT THE M0ST RAND0M TIMES AND PLACES
THE 0NLY THING IS...
ITS ALL EASIER SAID THAN D0NE
L0VE IS TRUE TH0UGH
AND L0VE LASTS THR0UGH ANYTHING
I FEEL LIKE N0THING WILL GET IN THE WAY 0F H0W I FEEL AB0UT THEM
N0 SITUATI0N
N0 CIRCUMSTANCE
AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID T0
BUT I HAVE GR0WN AS A PERS0N
AND I REALIZE THAT L0VE ISNT AFRAID 0F ANYTHING
I D0NT CARE AB0UT H0W IT MAY L00K T0 0THERS
0R H0W 0THERS FEEL AB0UT IT
I AM SERI0US AB0UT MY EM0TI0NS
AND MY EM0TI0NS ARE TRUE
I HAVE DECIDED T0 BE TRUE T0 MYSELF AND ACCEPT THESE FEELINGS
AND ALL THAT C0MES WITH THEM
IM AFRAID 0F BEING HURT
BUT I WILL N0T BE AS 0PEN AS I WAS BEF0RE
AND IM N0T G0ING T0 RUSH T0 PUT ALL 0F MY EM0TI0NS IN IT.
IM JUST G0NNA TAKE IT SL0W
AND IM G0ING T0 TAKE IT F0R EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
AND IM G0ING T0 LIVE
F0R THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
=]

MY PAST LIFE

Your past life diagnosis:
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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Siberia around the year 525. Your profession was that of a librarian, priest or keeper of tribal relics.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You always liked to travel and to investigate. You could have been a detective or a spy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is the development and expansion of your mental consciousness. Find a good teacher and spend a good part of your time and energy on learning from his wisdom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

ADD T0 THE HURT

So today while i was shopping with my friend Kirstyne, I found out that my ex boyfriend is informing everyone that not only do we still communicate but that the reason for our breakup was because of an irresponsible drinking habit on my part. I admit I enjoy a regular drink. Shoot me for being normal. The real reason that we ended our shitty relationship was because he was and still is in love with another woman. A woman who could not only give two flying fucks about him, but is childish, slutty and unladylike. But he chose her over me, and despite the fact that he may realize he made a stupid idea he is still with her and still chooses to deal with her. I tried and tried to make our relationship work. But I got to college and realized that some shit was not what it looked like. So I left him, and since then shit gets better then gets worse. Like when he randomly texts or calls me. Or when I hear unfortunate news about him and what he thinks or is saying about me.

In the end, Ive realized that life only gets worst. There is no purpose. There is no meaning. Everything is feeling pointless. And im ready to let go.