Honestly. I love my crazy ass family, although since I was a child the pressure has been on to achieve to what it is they expect from me. It's a constant battle to figure out who the fuck I am and make them happy at the same time.
And in all actuality, I'm not the type to 'sacrifice' myself. And I remember making the decision around the age of 15 that in the end it would be 'me myself and I' because I feel that if I don't do everything they want, the way they want it done, then I will destined to tough it all out on my own. A thought that doesn't easily settle on the stomach because the job of a family is to have your back whenever.
Me being who I am wants to say fuck em I do what I want when I want and that's that.
But anyone who knows me knows that I am a softee on the inside and all I really have ever wanted to do was to put a smile on peoples faces.
It's times like these that I wish daddy was still here. He had been through almost any and everything in his life and not only would he understand but he would give perfect advice.
The fact of the matter is that college is not for me right now. I have coem to this conclusion after extensive thought. I have also decided to not force myself to do anything that I feel is not for me. 'My Plan' is to go to TCC next semester, work part time, and build myself up as a responsible person.
Believe it or not Im quite irresponsible and my version of living for today may not meet the overall standard of living.
It's times like these that I wish life was easier. But who doesn't like a good challenge?
I want it all, and to achieve that, I'm going to have to start now to make that happen.
No more going with the flow of "Marley" its time to step up and take charge.
The only hard part now is not listening to my heart, but following it with my head held high ....
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